Adapting to loss is a natural part of life, and we are equipped with internal processes that help us regain our equilibrium following loss.
According to George Bonanno, PhD, who has completed extensive research on how people grieve, people tend to be resilient in the face of grief in most situations. He describes a natural oscillating pattern of emotions that happens as we work through the experience of loss.
Bonanno identifies the primary emotions during grief as sadness. The purpose of sadness is to help us adapt or come to some resignation of things we can’t change. There are physiological changes that occur when we feel sad. We slow down and become introspective and more detail-oriented. During sad feeling states, we are less likely to be judgmental. The sadness helps direct our attention toward deeper reflection.
Sadness plays a social function as well. The facial expressions we exhibit when feeling sad help draw people to us for empathy and support. That support helps shelter us during this time of letting go and adapting to life without the person we care about.
Sometimes we have feelings that may seem in conflict. Anger may surface while we are grieving; it could be in response to a person in your social network who just doesn’t understand how this loss is affecting you. Or it could be a family member or friend who doesn’t connect at all and that may leave you with a feeling of being alone or abandoned.
Bonanno also looked at how positive emotions play a role in grieving. Contrary to how we typically think about grief, smiling and laughing does occur and plays an adaptive function in helping us navigate change following a death. The more a person can laugh and smile following a loss, the quicker the restoration of the person’s mental health balance.
According to Bonanno, “Bereavement is essentially a stress reaction, an attempt by our minds and bodies to deal with the perception of a threat to our well being.” Understanding this natural oscillating pattern helps us utilize all the internal resources we have available to manage the stress.
The natural oscillation from sadness to laughter helps create moments where we can pause for a time for reflection of what was. It lets us embrace the times when we find levity and laughter. It gives us an opportunity to live in the moment, free from the exhaustion that sometimes comes with adapting to loss and new learning. Just like the oscillation when we breathe in and breathe out these natural emotions are there to help us naturally move through this process. Finding moments of not striving or forcing change to happen we learn to find acceptance in these natural emotions as they come and go. Over time we begin to discover ways to hold on to memories of this person who means so much to us and find moments of hope as we move forward and begin to adjust to the way things will be as the future unfolds.
Reference: George Bonanno, The Other Side of Sadness (Perseus Books, 2009)
About the Author: Judy Whitehurst, LMSW is a clinical and macro licensed social worker. Judy has over 35 years of crisis center experience with expertise in suicide prevention, intervention, and postvention; emotional trauma; and sexual and domestic violence. She has extensive experience with disruptive event management with communities, first responders and school systems events. Judy has facilitated support groups for families and friends who are grieving after a suicide. For the last 10 years, she has also served as an adjunct faculty member at Western Michigan University in the holistic health department.
