Children and Grief
Many people worry about what to say to children after the death of a loved one. Should I try to explain what death is to the child? Should I keep the child away from the funeral or mourning adults? Will the child think that they somehow had something to do with the death? These are some common questions that plague those who have to give children such difficult news.
The truth is, when children experience a loss, whether it is a death or another significant transition in their lives, their reactions can be much different than an adult’s. The way children grieve depends on the age of the child, as well as what supports and coping strategies they possess. However, there are often some common elements seen in child grief, at various developmental stages. For example, children between ages 2-4, are usually unable to understand the concept of death, and see it as reversible or temporary. Children between ages 5-7 may have magical or fantasy thinking, such as believing that if they wish hard enough or act a certain way, then the person will come back. Typically teenagers grieve similar to adults, however due to their strong desire to fit in with peers, may be less likely to show their grief openly.
Many people are familiar with the Kubler-Ross stages of grief, however research has shown that in reality the grieving process is not so clear cut. People will often experience and re-experience different emotions associated with their grief, and slowly move through them over time. This is not a linear process, and can often look like more of a spiral than a straight path through specific “stages.” This can be especially true for children, who often move in and out of grief, exhibiting intense grieving for short periods of time. The important thing to remember, is that there is no one way to grieve, and the grieving process can be different for each person or child. Experiencing and working through their grief for this loss, as well as future losses, such as graduation, wedding, or other significant milestones that the deceased will not be there for, is crucial to being able to someday move past the grief and integrating the memory of the loved one into a new life.
So, is there anything adults can do to help a mourning child? Adults often have the urge to protect children from pain and grief. However, when a child has experienced the loss of a loved one, there is no way to simply take away their sadness. There are no words that will make things better. One of the best things adults can do is to allow the child to grieve, and just be there for them. It is not uncommon for children to repeatedly ask questions around the death, as they are trying to make sense of what happened. Answer their questions as open and honestly as possible, using words appropriate for the child’s level of understanding. Provide play and physical activity outlets for the child to express themselves and process their feelings. Drawing, stories, games, journaling, memory boxes, and sports are all possible outlets for children’s grief. Ask the child what they would like to do, and encourage them to engage in activities that they usually enjoy, but don’t push them. Allow the child to make choices when possible, to help restore their sense of control. Children will often look to adults for how to grieve, so don’t be afraid to show your grief, and model appropriate coping strategies.
About the Author: Jessica Barton earned her Bachelor of Science in psychology from Grand Valley State University, and went on to earn a Master’s in Social Work and a Master’s in Public Administration as well. She spent five years working for Hope Network at crisis residential facilities, in which she provided direct care to individuals experiencing acute mental health crisis. She completed her master’s Social Work internship at Crisis Care Network, before it merged into R3 Continuum. During her internship she helped to start what would become the Productivity Assurance Call Center (PACC) at R3’s Grand Rapids location. After completing her internship, she continued on to become the PACC Coordinator. As the Coordinator she delivers a range of telephonic services to employees following disruptive events in the workplace, and continues to help develop PACC as it grows and seeks to better meet customer needs.
